can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
