Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Mom said you looked used
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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