Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Randomize
