the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
