Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
