Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
