I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
