I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
