i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
