Pants 0. Shit 1.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Randomize
