I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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