i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
