Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
