I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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