First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
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im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
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Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
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