TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
