from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
