My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
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