I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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