Screwed.edu
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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