DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
