I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Randomize
