So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
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he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
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