I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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