Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Randomize
