I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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