Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
