so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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