I just pynch a tree in the face
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
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