He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
