Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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