when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
