my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
