Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
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