Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
