I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Randomize
