I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
