that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
