we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Randomize
