new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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