Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
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Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
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When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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