Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
