This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Randomize
