I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
