true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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