im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Randomize
