i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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