My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
