I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
