Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
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