remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
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If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
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Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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