I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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