U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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