I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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