she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Randomize
