So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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