Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
