Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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