conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
