Banned from zoo.
Again?
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
