While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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