i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
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