I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
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