i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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