I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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