she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
